I pity the fool

The following was originally published in "The Onion" January 1986 (but it still makes me laugh):

Mr. T Releases 'Pity List '86'

LOS ANGELES--At a packed press conference at the Four Seasons Hotel Sunday, actor and former bodyguard Mr. T released his official 1986 Pity List.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the press," Mr. T said, "I pity a great many fools this year."

Pausing to don his reading glasses, the hot-tempered star of Rocky III and The A-Team then began slowly, methodically reciting the list.

"I pity the following fools: James B. Anderson, Clarence W. Azim, Priscilla F. Brechler, Gilberto P. Costa, Maxwell H. Dobbs, Susan R. Jaworski, Terrence S. Lapham, Cindy A. Maitner, Martin L. Reyes, Amanda G. Schuelke, Frank C. Weigel, and Yin Wai-Tong."

He continued, "If you are among the aforementioned people, I pity you deeply, for you are in for a world-class whupping courtesy of Mr. T."

Mr. T then read from an additional list of pitied fools, presented in descending order of degree of pity deserved. Among the more notable fools on the list: the ship-hijacking fools who seized the Italian cruise ship Achille Lauro last October, the waiter who spilled coffee on him at a Long Beach restaurant last week, and anyone who does not watch Mr. T's new detective drama T. and T. which premieres this fall in syndication.

Another 49 fools from previous years were also singled out for "lifetime pity" designation, including those who ridiculed his 35 pounds of gold chains, made fun of his mohawk-style haircut or panned his performance in the feature film D.C. Cab.

President Reagan joined Mr. T in pitying the listed fools, issuing a statement which read, "My heart goes out to those fools on the list, as I believe that any attempt by these individuals to go into hiding or seek protection from any law-enforcement agency will be futile against Mr. T's inevitable onslaught of pain."

Mr. T concluded the press conference by repeatedly smashing the podium until it was reduced to splinters.

(classic stuff!)